#so within the week I stopped trying
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Hi! I saw on one of your posts you said that you used to be a stucky shipper. I actually started off as a stony shipper but then absolutely fell in love with stucky but I like both . I was just wondering what made you "jump ship" on stucky lol. Sorry if this comes across as annoying or anything im just curious!
Hey! As you can see a couple of people have asked me this over the last couple of weeks and I’m really lazy and haven’t got around to responding yet, but the people deserve an answer so here we go. Before we start a quick disclaimer: I’ll only be talking about the ships themselves, not the communities or any of the discourse surrounding them. This is not a ship-bashing of any kind and please do not take it as such, it’s just my own personal experience surrounding these characters and these relationships.
Buckle your seatbelts kids, this is a long one.
I first got into Marvel c. 2015. I’m European so I’d never really watched any marvel movies before that, I watched Age of Ultron on a plane and remember being vaguely aware the Steve/Tony was a thing (what is pretty interesting is that to this day I have no clue where that knowledge came from) but was mostly just excited by the superhero stuff. I then got home and watched The Winter Soldier and fell in love. I love the Winter Soldier, it’s probably still one of my favourite marvel movies (it got kicked out of its top spot by Black Panther last year unfortunately) and to me no other marvel movie could hold a torch to it at the time. So I came onto tumblr, searched up The Winter Soldier and was just inundated with Stucky stuff, as expected. I rolled with it, got invested just from constant exposure (it was also around the height of the Stucky ship) and as far as I was concerned, that was that. I was super into Stucky for almost six months and was pretty much your average shipper, I didn’t understand stevetony, loved Steve Rogers, was close to creating a Stucky sideblog wit some ridiculous pun as my username, I was gone over this ship.
Then one day, I sat down and read the man on the bridge by boopboop on ao3. You’ve almost definitely heard of it, but it was the most popular fic in the Steve/Bucky tag on ao3 at the time (for some reason I had just never got around to reading it until then, it was long and I didn’t have the stamina I have now). It was your pretty standard Stucky fic, Steve gets Bucky back, they have to deal with his trauma which results in Steve and Bucky declaring their long lost love for each other etc. etc. What was different about this fic, was that it was all told from Tony’s point of view, and since Steve and Tony were on the same team at that point, their dynamic was a huge part of the fic. And I found myself falling completely in love with Steve and Tony’s dynamic. I went back to the fic for this post (and god it is a good fic) and pulled up the first couple of chapters and instantly just found so many instances of that dynamic
(grade A stevetony arguing over each other’s safety with a side of flirting from Tony)
(Idk why but the image of Steve and Tony not going to sleep, but rather staying up and brewing coffee together was such a vivid one when I first read this fic, I still remember it to this day. )
(Tony picking Steve flowers while trying to desperately play off that he didn’t aka. Tony caring while trying desperately not to care)
(Everyone knowing that Steve would definitely come to Tony, apart from Tony himself.)
Now obviously, this is a stucky fic and I went into it knowing this, but I found when Steve and Bucky finally got together I felt honestly a bit bored, a bit cheated. I had no idea why at the time. I remember very clearly x-ing out of the fic at the end and feeling really uneasy, I came onto tumblr, went straight back into the Stucky tag and all was well.
When I next went back onto ao3, I started out with a couple of oneshots in the Stucky tag, but for some reason it wasn’t working for me anymore. I remember sitting there, a little bored, not at all invested in this relationship and just missing something. I figured I was probably missing Tony’s presence in the fic and so filtered in Tony Stark’s character tag. I read a few of those and all was well but I realised the same thing was happening as had happened in man on the bridge, the moment that Steve and Bucky got together, the fic lost something for me. Desperate at this point, and a little annoyed at myself I conducted an experiment and went into the Steve/Tony tag on Ao3 and as they say, the rest is history. If you go onto older posts on my main blog there’s a pretty drastic, almost overnight shift c. January 2016. I have to admit, I expected Civil War to be a conversion so I enjoyed stevetony without consequence for five months, while still labelling myself as a Stucky shipper because I expected to be pulled back to Stucky after civil war, the reality was that somehow I came out of civil war shipping stevetony harder than ever before. From there, I spent two years reading my way through the stevetony tag on ao3 and finally set up this blog in 2018, with a really obscure reference as my username and it’s been stevetony til I die ever since.
I just couldn’t read Stucky anymore. That’s what I mean when I say on this blog that stevetony has ruined me for every other ship, because it has. Steve and Tony’s firecracker dynamic pulled me away from what was fast on its way to becoming my favourite ship in 2015, all because they had a bit of banter on the side in a fic. It’s kind of depressing really, the sort of hold that Steve and Tony’s dynamic has over me,
It’s strange you say you fell in love with Stucky, I fell absolutely out of love with it. I have thought a lot about how I ended up falling into stevetony and why I was so drawn to them instead of Stucky in the first place and I think it all comes down the the story itself. To me, Steve and Bucky’s relationship carries much more weight as a friendship, I still have no doubt that Bucky is one of if not the most important person in Steve’s life, but having that be a lifelong friendship is way more powerful and impactful to me, (especially since what I know I misconstrued to be Steve’s obsession with Bucky is actually Steve’s obsession over the past. I’m not saying Bucky isn’t dear to Steve and he does want to obviously rescue him, but looking back on it there’s more to Steve’s obsession with Bucky than just love, it’s a fear of change and it’s him desperately trying to hold onto a past that’s gone.)
Conversely, I feel like adding a romantic element to Steve and Tony’s relationship enriches the story being told, if you look at something like civil war (either MCU or 616 tbh) in the context of Tony being desperately in love with Steve, it makes a lot more sense, especially with things like The Confession in 616 or the stuff brought up in that strange conversation in the conference room in the MCU. There’s lines from Steve like “I’m home/you gave me a home” or even straight up “he loved you” and his tormented behaviour throughout infinity war and endgame that just really makes you wonder, not to mention lines from others like “you two still gazing into each other’s eyes/sounds like both of you got into bed with the wrong people” and they did have to share a bed at Clint’s farm after all lol. The tragedy of their story is heightened if you look at it through the context of them being absolutely in love with each other, just never having actually got around to telling it to each other’s faces. This tragedy is heavily implied in The Oath/The Confession in 616 when they confess their deepest darkest secrets to the other’s comatose/dead bodies, and apparently it’s always been that they love the other person. Actually you could easily introduce a romantic element by making relatively few changes to the MCU, but that’s a post for another time (I have a long and comprehensive list in my notes app on how little you actually need to change to make that happen, it’s literally the matter of a few lines of dialogue and one major story change at the end of IM3, an interesting thought exercise to say the least).
Finally, there’s a quote that came up on my dash the day I made that fateful venture into the ao3 stevetony tag, “your soulmate isn’t someone who comes peacefully into your life. It is someone who makes you question things, changed your reality, somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It is not the human being everyone idealized, but an ordinary person, who managed to revolutionize your world in a second” to this day, it resonates so strongly with me about stevetony. It’s everything I love about this ship just compressed into a quote.
So yeah it was basically a bunch of happy coincidences, but thank god it happened. As a writer, stevetony has taught me so much about character and dynamic, stuff that is honestly invaluable. When you have long fics that basically detail the day by day life of Steve and Tony post-civil war in rural Italy and consists of them sleeping, crying and working through their repressed feelings (looking at you @silkspectred ), it is the characters and their unique dynamic that drive the entirety of the story. Steve and Tony, in the hands of a compelling writer, can keep me hooked over a frankly embarrassing number of words. I still have a bit of a special place for Stucky in my heart really, it did start me out in marvel after all and it was one of my first ever ships, but your first love is only so good until you meet your true love, not to get all sappy but stevetony has completely destroyed my ability to ship anything else. I might get a bit flirtatious with some other ships, like sambucky (I still love Bucky, and I love Sam!), or the riverdale ships (beronica and jarchie or bust), or even the game of thrones crack ships (daensa til the day we die), but I’ll always come back to stevetony.
So yeah this escalated into a far longer post than I intended to make but I’ve never really spelled out on this blog how or why I ended up jumping Stucky to Stony when I know it’s usually the other way around. I guess it just comes down to stevetony catching me out when I least expected it, and never having let go of me since.
#this is amazing I had a similar journey#I saw CATWS and was absolutely amazed#loved Buckys character and Steves whole story arc#soon after I went looking for fic about them#I started reading a few fics but I could never finish them#nothing to do with the writing#the fics themselves were beautiful and well written#I just couldn't get invested for some reason#so within the week I stopped trying#at this point I wouldn't have called myself a Marvel fan tho#apart from IM 1 and CATFA I hadn't seen any other movies prior#I saw CATWS around the end of 2015#I got curious and watched all of the other ones that were out (okay most)#by the time I got to AOU I was riveted to Steves and Tonys dynamic#I didnt see it as a ship then#I didn't realize when both were on screen was when I was the most excited#I knew if both were talking to each other#in the others space#it would be good#SOMETHING would happen something between them would just spark#start something in motion#they moved the narrative for me#a few months later I went to see CACW in theaters and was just#so impacted#I never would have thought their relationship would be on display like that#be the center of a movie my god#before this I had loved Steve already and his whole story arc like I said#related to him on some things#Tony tho? I loved his suits his armor I loved Iron Man the hero and thought Tony was interesting but never looked at him past the surface#cacw made me see Tony for the first time walking out of the theater I walked out a stevetony shipper and never looked back
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I know mahiru is often seen as not smart (his official stats from the guidebook give him a 2 out of 10 for tactics and I think the mental stat is more about mental stability?) and sure he's not a tactical genius like mikuni or touma (both have 10/10 in tactics) but mahiru is extremely socially/emotionally intelligent, which is an intelligence often overlooked in favour of "classic" intelligence (like being good at math or things like chess).
But unlike other characters mahiru knows when to stand his ground and when to lay low and change a person's view slowly over time.
Misono wasn't on his side in the beginning, even saying mahiru could be his servant when mahiru agreed to work with him, but mahiru quickly picked up on the fact that misono was lonely and offered to be his friend. Now misono trusts him completely and recognizes that mahiru's strength lies in gaining allies.
Shuhei openly hated vampires and treated them as things and mahiru responded by humanizing them, listing examples of vampires acting just like normal people, laying the first stone for shuhei to stop wanting to kill all vampires.
He was the one who proposed the idea that tsubaki would come to rescue lilac because tsubaki sees his subclass as family and he was right.
Neither lawless nor licht were overly impressed by him when they first met him, but by the time he asks them to rescue tsurugi especially lawless is one of his biggest supporters.
In C3 he understood that he wasn't going to be able to move if he opposed them and joined them instead, allowing him and the other eves to meet. He also correctly concluded that getting tsurugi on their side was key because he was central to C3's/touma's plans and in the end it saved his life and allowed him to stop touma.
Mahiru consistently trying to protect tsubaki's subclass might also come in handy soon. They might not like C3, but both lilac and sakuya can vouch for mahiru as a person they can trust not to kill them and to aid them in stopping tsubaki from destroying himself.
And stopping tsubaki by convincing him to stop is perfectly logical. A servamp can't be killed as far as we know. Combat only gets you so far. If C3 want to create a lasting co-existence between vampires and humans getting both sides to stop killing each other and to learn to forgive is the only way.
Trying to solve this conflict through conversation and not violence is neither shortsighted nor childish, it's the only reasonable solution.
#servamp#mahiru shirota#mahiru doesn't have to be a genius at tactics as long as he has enough of “smart” people on his side and gets them to exchange information#touma was kind of screwed the second mahiru got tsurugi to turn against him within a week or so#and even with 13 mikunis it looks like mikuni might be screwed#it might turn into a simple numbers game at this point#all the eves sans mikuni and almost all servamps sans jeje and lily are on mahiru's side#add to that the enterity of C3 including some people believed to be dead and tsubaki's subclass against tsubaki lily and mikuni#(I'm excluding jeje because he's captured right now)#that's a lot of people against a small group that didn't bother to gather people loyal to their cause#this isn't chess where both sides start with the same amount of pieces and you can whittle down your opponent#while mikuni played chess mahiru played shogi even if he didn't know it#taking pieces mikuni discarded and adding them to his own side#I'm not sure if superior skill/power in a few single persons means that much if you have a huge number of also skilled/powerful people#working together to stop you#even without literary knowledge that tells me that the heroes are going to win I would bet on mahiru's side#even mikuni's arguments trying to stop tsubaki's subclass from intervening are weak
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Apparently my job incorrectly changed my state on my W4 without my knowledge or consent last year and now I owe a LOT of money in unpaid state taxes since they weren't withholding them from my paycheck like they were supposed to 😭
#i hadnt filed my 2023 taxes yet bc there was some stuff i had to figure out with my old college#(they didnt send me a 1098-t and they werent responding to my emails and they changed systems after i graduated#so i wasnt in their new systems and when i called the treasurers office they couldnt figure out how to find me#so they sent it to their manager but the manager never responded and etc etc)#but i wasnt too worried bc i knew with the withholdings that i put on my w4 that i should be receiving a refund#and theres no penalties to filing late if youre receiving a refund (you just. dont get your money until its filed)#but now ive got that figured out (turns out they actually didnt need to send me a 1098-t bc i dont have any exceptions to claim from them#bc something about how my expenses were handled? idk. which i didnt even learn from them btw. bc they never got back to me 🙃#i had to consult a tax expert. but anyway)#so i was trying to finally file them. and uh. it turns out i owed like $1000 to my state. and i was like. that. cant be right. what?#checked my w2 and for some reason on one line it had my state listed with like a small portion of my earnings#and then on the next line there was the rest of my earnings under a different state name#a state that doesnt fucking have state taxes 🙃 so nothing was withheld from that portion of my income#so apparently i did NOT pay the majority of my state taxes last year. and now im 6 months late filing. and im worried im fucked#and we are also 11 MONTHS into 2024 with my w4 incorrect and no state taxes withheld all year 🙃 fuck. fuck fuck fuck#they cant even change it back until my manager proves i live in this state apparently 😭 what the hell man#i live in this state i work in this state my companys fucking headquarters is in this state#WHY would they change it to a different fucking state. WITHOUT my knowledge or consent#i didnt even realize they had stopped withholding my state taxes until now bc it happened at the same time i got promoted#so the increase on my paycheck just blended in with my raise 😭#i just submitted it but of course theyre going to take what i owe for my state taxes weeks before they refund me for my federal taxes#payments process within 48 hours but refunds take up to 21 days#rambling#so. im gonna have to figure out how to make rent and bills next week#and then im ALSO gonna have to pay however much it costs to be 6 months behind on a payment of nearly $1000#FUCK
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why are 99% of crochet animal patterns just vague blobs. cmon. i know we can do better as a community. have you seen the shit the national parks service put out? yeah, the NPS. there are grandmas on the frontlines of the most formally accurate critters this side of a 3D printer. we can do better than orb with two triangles sewn on. we can make a more accurate cat. that is NOT what a turtle looks like. step AWAY from the axolotl
#EVERYTHINGS TOO CHIBI CMON. WE CAN HAVE VARIETY. WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF CHALLENGE#i’m not saying everything has to be photorealistic. but it feels love every new pattern i see is the same basic shapes recycled#because people are so desperate to have ~content~ that they don’t have time to technically develop their skills to a point where they#actually have something to contribute to the conversation artistically#text✨#this is extremely petty. however : come ON. so much of the crochet content i see is extremely beginner basic stuff newbies are being tricked#into mass producing for ‘markets’ where they are very unlikely to sell#and then they burn out of the hobby within a few weeks. this is NOT sustainable. and extremely wasteful of time and resources#i hate you should sell culture it’s. extremely annoying#i try to only do stuff that is either a) at least nominally useful or b) a gift for someone . bc i so desperately do not want to burn out#on this hobby and i love it sm . i feel so bad for all the people i see getting conned by the you gotta sell attitude and just. ruining the#hobby for themselves. you gotta do it for you you gotta#on topic. also like cmon. stop chibifying animals that are culturally significant to other communities just for money
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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I have gotten my hopes up that I will be getting engaged on Saturday, and I know that if it doesn't happen (it probably won't!) I'll be so so disappointed. But it's either this Saturday, or like.in a month.
#look we've got the venue and date secured so it's gonna happen soon#but I will most likely have a really invasive operation on my mouth within the next 2 weeks and after that will not be leaving the#house for a while#and I know it's not gonna happen cause it's literally exam week#and he is so busy#and he used to talk to me about how he's nervous about the proposal and that has suddenly stopped#so either he's at the point where he cant tell me anymore or he's put it out of his mind for the time being due to having so many other#things to think about (exams!!!!)#but he invited me over to his place this weekend cause his roommate will be away (who goes away during the exam session??)#and i just. ajnwjwndkwkqlsmenneieiendn#I KNOW I'M JUST GONNA DISAPPOINT MYSELF#and we're going to visit some friends for lunch after that and I don't wanna go sad and disappointed I really don't#I'm trying not to have these expectations but the switch in my brain has been flipped#mine#s
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Yes people are fucking dying and no I don't ever feel like. Great about people being killed in missile strikes.
But I also don't feel great about decades of civilians, including over 2,100 children in the last 20 years, being killed both by missile strikes and by being shot or beaten to death in the street.
250 people were killed in the Hamas rocket attacks on Saturday, which is around the same as the number of Palestinian people the Israeli security forces had murdered this year before Saturday, and significantly less than they've killed since Saturday.
look the people are not the state and despite Israel being an apartheid colony, being an Israeli citizen doesn't necessarily imply 100% agreement. It's been 70 years and 3 generations since Israel was established as a state and the majority of Israeli civilians now didn't choose to come, they're living in the country they were born (although the same is not so much true for people living in Gaza who have recently occupied the stolen homes of Palestinians). Israelis are human people with lives and hopes and passions and deaths of any person are tragic.
BUT.
Palestinians are human people with lives and hopes and passions and their lives matter just as much and are snuffed out without the international community batting an eye - I remind you again. 212 Palestinians including 38 children were murdered this year before this weekend's missile strikes and if you didn't give a shit until Hamas killed the same number of Israelis at which point everyone went OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY HOW COULD PALESTINIANS DO THIS (while Israel killed 300+ more Palestinians in under 24 hours) that's bc uhhhh you're fucking racist and don't think Palestinian lives are as important as Israeli ones
so like. sure we can acknowledge that 250 Israeli civilians' deaths are a tragedy, if we can also agree that the 300+ Palestinian civilians killed in retaliatory strikes are a tragedy and most importantly if we can agree that the 200+ Palestinians killed in 2023 before the Hamas strikes this weekend are not just a tragedy but a deliberate atrocity.
in January the Israeli government made it vocally clear before the UN than not only do they consider the occupation of Palestine permanent, they are explicitly focused on taking over as much Palestinian land as possible in perpetuity. Since then this whole year there have been a total of only FOUR (nonconsecutive) FULL WEEKS in which NO Palestines were killed by Israel (compared to only 8 weeks in which Israelis WERE killed, of which 2 incidents were friendly fire from another IDF member)
It's legitimately tragic when people are killed. And Israel has been systematically killing Palestinians to the degree there are Palestinian casualties recorded about 3 days in every 5 this year, usually multiple, with displacements, demolitions, injuries, arrests and beatings recorded almost every single day. I do not know how LITERALLY anyone can look at the numbers from this year, let alone the last 75, and conclude that Israel is the victim of unprovoked violence.
#red said#i note again. ISRAEL THE STATE provoked the violence which ISRAELI PEOPLE face regardless of their political beliefs#Israel's government does not represent the beliefs of all Israelis. no state does.#Israelis live on stolen land in an apartheid state. some of them chose to do so and to enthusiastically participate and some don't.#the Israeli people en masse are as responsible for the Israeli state as the American people are for the American state#or the British people for the British state#which is to say they run the gamut from thinking the government doesn't go far enough to protesting constantly#Israeli doesn't mean evil. Israeli people are people like anyone else. and resisting apartheid from within an apartheid state#isn't easy and a lot of Israelis do. and even if they don't they're still human people.#Israel as a state like most colonial states puts work into propaganda fear and dehumanisation of the other.#people are responsible for breaking out of that but they're not personally culpable for the crimes of their country#it fucking sucks. that Israeli civilians are killed indiscriminately as part of this conflict.#IT JUST ALSO FUCKING SUCKS THAT PALESTINIAN CIVILIANS ARE KILLED DISPLACED AND IMPRISONED#WHETHER OR NOT THE NATIONS ARE INVOLVED IN DIRECT VIOLENT CONFLICT#Israeli civilians are collateral casualties in violence which is happening bc Palestinians would like to stop being killed almost daily#and that sucks. it isn't a good thing and i don't delight in their deaths. the people are not the state.#but it also sucks that Palestinian people are killed at a rate of 15-60 every month regardless of what if anything happens to Israeli people#prior to this week the highest monthly conflict-related death toll for Israel was 7. the lowest for Palestine was 12.#and btw at least 3 Israeli deaths recorded were cases of one IDF member accidentally shooting another while trying to kill a Palestinian#in September 0 Israelis were killed by Palestinians and yet 15 Palestinians were killed by Israeli forces.#that's not to pretend it's good for Israelis to die. it's to point out that the violence of Palestinians against Israelis is in desperation#while the violence of Israelis against Palestinians is of opportunity.#where Israeli noncombatants are killed by Palestinian forces it's almost always collateral damage. and to be clear that is still a tragedy.#Palestinian noncombatants are regularly collateral damage but they're ALSO singled out and shot dead in the street#and that's a much more deliberate act.#if a 13yo is killed in a missile strike. if a 13yo is hit by a car. if a 13yo is shot by a gunman. all those are tragedies.#for the victim. they're dead however they die. for their families it's the same level of grief.#but there is a DIFFERENCE. between knowing your actions may kill children. and putting a child in your sights and shooting them dead.#that kind of targeted violence against specific individual civilians is something Israeli forces do to Palestinians.#it isn't something that is on record as happening the other way around
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I made a meme do you leik it :)
#i am SUFFERING out here#i have a presentation and essay for one module a presentation for another module and an object to make with a 1000 word explanation??#for another module all due within the next two weeks#and i am unable to get out of bed 👍🏻#fantastic timing dont you think#theres been trouble with my antidepressents so im off those too which ahahahahah doesnt help#and i cant got to the doctors for them cause ill have to fight for it and then that will give them reason to not give me testosterone in#december when im due to get it cause im 'unstable' and my doctors surgery isnt very fond of me starting anyway#im not about to give them a reason to stop me from getting the perscription#so ive just got to fucking raw dog life for the first time since i was 16 how great#no i cannot complete these very important assignments that count towards my degree im trying not to throw myself into oncoming traffic soz#and also trying to manage to feed myself and perhaps leave my bedroom for a total of five minutes at least a day#this has not been entirely achievable but yk im doing my best 😀👍🏻#depressive episode#did any of yall see those two girls with a podcast that said i love my mental illness it makes me who i am#because i think about those two far too often and im so glad everyone was in the comments so much so they deleted the video lmfao cause bro#depression#can suck my dick#in a bad way
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I need to complain
#so my current job is with 3 people that I know from previous jobs#our staff is 6 people#I love my mg as a person but she is so. oh my god.#the company is pretty removed from the stores (within reason) but p much as long as our numbers look good they don’t hover. our dm comes#v rarely and only checks in w mg once a wk-ish. so my mg takes full advantage of this. we r a relatively slow store dgmw but she straight up#ignores shit that needs. to be done? like shipment will just sit there for DAYS and she will do the bare minimum and sit on her phone allday#and go in the back for 15 mins for no reason and then come out on the floor and steal sales and then leave work early and do nothing to help#anyone else make their numbers and then she always has to brag abt things in our district group chat that she like#barely fucking contributes to and like literally EVERYTHING in the store gets done by my AM and I. I am not any type of mg in this store and#I accepted this job fully ok w that. I wanted a break from management. and yet I am constantly stepping up to do shit bc our mg doesn’t#and it’s basic operational shit that we’ve LITERALLY DONE. AT OUR LAST JOB. WE ALL DID THE SAME. FUCKING THINGS AT OUR LAST JOB#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT JNOW HOW TO DO A FUCKING CHANGE ORDER. HOW DO WE NEVER HAVE CHANGE AND IM ALWAYS THE ONE TAKING CASH TO THE BANK#WHYYYYYYYY AM I PLANNING BLACK FRIDAY AND DOING EVERYTHING W MY AM TO PREPARE WHILE SHE LITERALLY GOES “’there isn’t that much to do?’ldhdga#WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. THERES LIKE 20 BOXES OF UNTOUCHED SHIPMENT FOR NO FUCKING REASON EVERYTBI GS A MESS WE NEED TO DO SK MUCH#HOW ARE YOU SITTING THERE. WATCHING REELS!!!!!!! AND THEN STOPPING US WHILE WE’RE GETTING THINGS DONE TO SHOW US MEMES#IM GOING TO HnbHsndvdhwjf#my poor am is in the final weeks of her semester trying to do hw and shit on top of cleaning up the mess our mg leaves and hovering over her#to make sure things get done and it’s just like#You should not Have To Be DOING THAT#I’m just so blown. like she lies so much and just does whatever the fuck she wants w no consideration and then we have to reality check her#and she’s like oh you’re right I’m sorry#and then it changes for a fucking day and goes right back. I’m just.#And then she has the audacity to say ‘ I stepped back to see if you(am) would step up to do things’#LMFAO GIRLLKJKLLGBFBS FUCK YOU THATS SUCH A KINE OF BULLSHIT YOURE SO LAZY PLS FIND A HUSBAND AND BE A HOUSEWIFE FASTER#STOP TERRORIZING WORKPLACES PLSSSSSS PLS PS Sslslsldbxvsj#fr talking to her is talking to the wall.#like I would prefer to just look at the floor and say things than say it to her bc she does not listen#but like sitting w her and bullshitting when downtime she’s chill and funny like I love her. just she sucks at working.
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i hate it when there's a popular blogger on here who everyone wanks off, but they always add the most fucking useless and annoying comments on shit and most of the time you can't delete them because they'd delete all the other reblog comments as well, which were either actually useful or funny
#dax rambles#i'm not gonna say who it is but my fucking god they are annoying and i cannot stand 90% of the shit they add to posts#i had to blacklist their username just to stop seeing them constantly on my dash#ironically i did follow them for a bit because i actually really like their art but holy fuck i had to unfollow within a week because of#how annoying and kind of ignorant they are about a lot of shit#no idea why so many people take their comments as some weird gospel when they're usually the most redundant shit or blatantly misinformativ#or end up trying to make the subject matter completely revolve around themselves lmfao#and when i say popular blogger i do mean really fucking popular not like niche/fandom-centric popular#they are one of the few big tumblr names in the current era lol
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i shouldnt really be giving any hot takes on character design as someone who, despite having mild success in the adoptable scene in highschool, absolutely does NOT still got it when it comes to character designing (nowadays im just trying to do my best orz) but i do think one of the most important things with character design is that they serve the medium theyre in well.
like, a super exaggerated shape style triangle man with tiny legs a la mr incredible works great for an action cartoon movie but i dont know how good that style would work in a visual novel where you tend to only see the top half of the body. you wont be able to appreciate the tiny legs 😔
and as much as i goof on the visually cluttered anime boys in otome games and their odd fashion choices (kent from amnesia. at least 21 belts. 11 on one arm alone) i genuinely think they work for what they need to do, like all those fucking sashes and scarves and cords and capes and swishy things on the ikemen sengoku guys, painful to draw for me who wants to draw a goofy comic of them but WONDERFUL for an unanimated visual novel sprite, flowing clothes and hair adds a lot of movement to static images that you'll be staring at for 20-50 hours.
but of course on the visual novel/japanese adv game end of things u also have stuff like phoenix wright and the absolutely beautiful hotel dusk that tend to have blockier silhouettes than the fluttery flowing cloth and hair of like, a character in a bishoujo game from Key or something, but their sprites are animated which benefits from the blockier and (usually) less cluttered designs.
and theres still lots of exaggeration to be had to get very varied character designs, like the jake hunter games have a very grounded semi-realistic style but everyones posture and body types and expressions are pretty distinct, just the distinction is focused on the upper half of the body rather than the whole body like you would focus on with a comedy slapstick cartoon or like a comedy newspaper comic strip. okay its becoming increasingly obvious through what im talking about that i grew up in north america in the 00s-10s using deviantart where if ur cartoons didnt look like disney or pixar or like i dont know johnny test ur designs were considered not good enough so im still in that world. im still in that world. i hope the world is more open now
and something like the hotel dusk designs also would work well for drama or thriller comics - like i was also thinking about big sparkling shoujo manga designs and like. in a comic if ur like a garfield slapstick comedy u wanna look like a garfield, but if ur constantly doing closeups with serious emotion like a romantic drama shoujo manga, having big glittering expressive eyes and emphasizing the upper half of the character is pretty effective for the combination of medium and genre. i also think naoki urasawa's character designs would look so so good in a hotel dusk style game, that guy makes like the perfect thriller design, varied and diverse in shapes but so effective for a serious toned horror mystery thriller thing will lots of closeups of characters faces. i guess because i love serious and dramatic stories about people talking a whole lot i do gravitate towards this style of character design, where the emphasis is on the silhouette from the waist up LOL but it really goes to show that some character designs that may not fit the late 2000s comedy animation shape-based design philosophy have their own places where they thrive <- obvious thing everyone knows except for me who was on deviantart too much when i was 12
i think what im trying to say is i think big boobied super busy anime girl vtuber designs are fine, good even. i like em, i think they do the job and a lot of work goes into them. u only have a headshot/bust (heh) shown on screen 99% of the time u might as well make it with a bunch of particle effects and cool hairclips and lace and weird moving head wings or some shit. slap some sparkles on that thang
#i really am like a washed up highschool jock when it comes to character design. i used to be so good#im not BAD now but theres plenty of things to improve on LOL#i can't stop making the same 20 something year old vaguely ambiguous mixed race everyman normal guy character#sowwy. it will happen again. it me#old man voice BACK IN MY DAY I COULD BUST OUT 4 DESIGNS A DAY#they would sell within the WEEK. the WEEK SONNY BOY. do you HEAR ME#THE WEEK!!!!#alright grandpa now lets go back to bed (you guys are saying this to me in my strange tag roleplay scenario)#(u guys are my. grandchildren? maybe)#oh this is a long ass post isnt it. hold on im trying to remember to tag that kinda thing more often#long post
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just finished reading The Final Girl Support Group and it fucking sucked.
#barely a genre deconstruction. not a horror. too boring to be a thriller.#one of the twists is discovered because the protagonist finally reads something she got a week ago#that literally tells her who the killer is LMAO#cant stop thinking of how shes introduced and describes how her hair is short so no one can grab it#and then later in the book someone grabs her hair and she gets away by slicing it off with a box cutter#and i gotta tell you.#i dont think you can try to tackle the themes within without being a woman yourself.#shiv.txt
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also idk i feel so fucking good abt myself idk genuinely being consistent with my gym routine has done everything for my mental health and confidence like i still feel bad abt myself sometimes but for the first time since i was probably 9 i'm having days where i look in the mirror and thinking DAMN i look good and those days are getting more frequent it's really the best feeling
#and it's not just the weight loss like. being overweight was such a struggle for me esp bc i've had issues w eds and stuff and.#idk it made me miserable. and i wasn't the healthiest bc i'd gained a lot due to pcos and my periods were irregular etc like it wasn't good#and now i'm medicated and fuck man my period is regular now and my weight is more normal and i just feel like. good abt that#bc i spent so long being unable to lose bc of my hormones and it was so disheartening bc i was doing everything 'right'#i feel a little bad talking abt it bc ik it's a sensitive topic and i have had issues w eds i obv don't think weighing less makes u healthy#etc etc. for me it was the healthy thing to lose what i've lost so i'm proud of that and i did all of that mostly without relapsing#over 2 years and i've had like. maybe a month of relapse total over that time and each time i've come out of it after a week or two#so i'm definitely stronger mentally etc BUT. my point is. the confidence hasn't come from trying to be smaller#and now i'm actively trying to build muscle and for the first time ever my confidence comes from looking BIGGER bc i want muscle growth etc#the confidence truly comes from within and when i was overweight i started to give myself that confidence#by starting to wear cute clothes and stop hiding my body#it is so true that losing weight won't make you like yourself or your body.#like. you can lose weight if you want but you HAVE to respect yourself first. i lost a lot of weight unhealthily in 2019 and regained it#& bc i did it out of self hatred i NEVER felt better abt myself when i got smaller. you rlly have to be able to love yourself as you are rn#it's cliche but very very true#anyway i don't rlly talk abt this stuff on here bc ik it's a sensitive topic but!!!#i really would recommend weightlifting and strength training if you wanna feel more confident#ik it won't work for everyone but for me it's genuinely transformed the way i see myself.#i no longer try to force myself to be as small as possible. and for me that's everything yk#ALSO LIKE. THE MENTAL HEALTH ASPECTS. just having the routine and getting exercise and getting out every day rlly helps too#i really would recommend it i've never felt better or more confident abt myself#the only thing is unfortunately and it's a very real problem but gym/gym bro culture often leans v close to e/d culture#it really sucks bc a lot of gym folks genuinely do love it and are very healthy with it#but the chicken and rice gym bro types are pretty rampant too and there's a LOT of dysmorphia and such in the community#so i kind of avoid gym bro circles for that reason bc i do think a lot of people take it too far and are very mentally unhealthy with it#but weightlifting/going gym in itself isn't the problem and if you're eating properly & taking care of yourself it's not gonna be like that#it's just knowing the types of ppl to avoid bc a lot of the mindset is pretty toxic 😭😭 but there are def a lot of ppl who do it healthily#like. i understand why people do it but i'm kind of against bulking/cutting at least for myself#bc for me it's not abt looking as strong as possible it's abt being fit and healthy physically & mentally if i look buff asf that's a bonus#but a lot of ppl take bulks/cuts too far & a lot of it is just regurgitated e/d shit unfortunately. just b careful who you interact with
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I just wanna point out that is not always a low empathy thing to share a relatable story about yourself when somebody shares their own hurt. That's a communication style very common to people with autism and ADHD, including those with high empathy, because it shows "hey, I can understand at least a little what you're going through, it's safe to talk to me about it". If you do NOT do that then you come off as the rude asshole/person with zero empathy to people with that communication style. Not doing so communicates "I can't understand you and I don’t care enough to try". (But the writing for Adrien is so bad it 100% comes off as selfish guy who needs to be the center of attention, not as a communication style thing)
Yeah it always depends on the context. I always try to make it relatable myself but I think it comes off the wrong way 😅
#every time someones grandparent dies I have to stop myself from mentioning the time two of my grandparents died within a week of each other#bc it feels like it might come across as trying to one up them and their pain and that’s absolutely not what i intend to do#anon#ask#but yeah no adrien just tends to full on turn it into his own pity scene (and that’s the narratives intention)#so it makes me read his character that way
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I knew what I was getting myself into writing for a dead fandom, but still, one review would be nice 😥
#all write and no review makes Jack a very omg-they-hated-it boy#i dunno im just in a really bad mood#this has been one of the most stressful weeks of my career#here it is 4.50am and ive woken up and all im thinking about is work and now i cant sleep again#and this has been happening every night for about 10 days#im trying so hard to get a chapter out within the week on top of that#maybe everyone did hate it maybe its obvious i was stressed out#maybe i shoukd take a break and stop writing for a week#or you know#quit my job
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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